35106556_lThe way to transform your relationship is NOT to become something that you are not in order to try to make your relationship “successful”!

The process of Relationship Transformation is actually the process of removing all the bandages, contortions, and “being something we are not” to try to be what we think other people want us to be….and get back to our most authentic self!

When I hear “experts” saying that compromise is a key to successful relationship it infuriates me to no end!

Compromise is for SHIT!

Because compromise is based on you having good behavior to do something you don’t really want to do to please someone else! And NO ONE can have GOOD BEHAVIOR long term! And pleasing in a relationship is CRAP because it’s phony…. and when you try to please someone, nothing is learned so the relationship doesn’t grow!

I can’t have good behavior long term! (Paul Martino will tell you that!)

Good Behavior! Pleasing other people….It doesn’t work…and it doesn’t feel good!

By definition, you cannot build an unshakable love on a foundation of such fragile and phony crap as good behavior and pleasing other people!

It doesn’t work! You can only have good behavior for so long before you get fed up and either go back to doing what you have wired yourself to do….OR keep score and start measuring what you are getting back in exchange for what you are doing to please them. (and keeping score is a relationship transformation killer)

So what does work?

It’s a two part strategy.

Part One: BE YOU

Get back to your most authentic self! Stop trying to be what you think other people want you to be, and be who you really are! Now, that said, don’t be a jerk about it! (hehe) What I mean is, don’t be all “this is who I am and if you don’t like it then F-you!”

Have a higher standard for yourself and be your BEST and most authentic self…with a commitment to continually being an even better version of yourself as you grow!

Part Two: GROW YOU

Empower yourself with the tools & strategies to create a 100%/100% relationship, where you know how to bring out the BEST and most authentic self in your partner! Where you are FULLY committed and give 100% to your partner! Not pleasing…GIVING – there is a HUGE difference between “pleasing” and “giving”! (take a moment and say each one to yourself, you will FEEL the difference)

Giving comes from a great and abundant place within you where you are giving and serving because you want to and it feels good. Pleasing comes from a negative place, where you are doing something you think others want, or you think is “right” but you don’t really want to, and eventually, if you keep “pleasing” it will turn into resentment…and maybe even anger!

When you understand, appreciate and cherish the differences between the masculine and feminine, you don’t have to have “good behavior,” you don’t have to “compromise” and you don’t have to “measure” to make sure you are getting yours.

When people hear me say that “compromise is for S#%T” they will often ask me “how do you NOT compromise in your relationship with Paul?”

My answer is very simple and straightforward….I don’t compromise, because if I’m not 100% in alignment with Paul, it’s my job to seek to understand him more so that I can be 100% aligned, so I can serve him and help make his dreams come true. That’s my job! (and he feels it is his job to do so for me.)

We just keep “doing the work” until we understand at a deep enough level to reach alignment. Of course, it didn’t start out that way… We have developed the skills to do this, and now so do our clients!

It truly is amazing….and unshakable….to live a life with Zero Compromise! I highly recommend it!

 

 

{ 4 Brilliant Comments from Dedicated Reader }

When is it just time to leave?

February 19, 2015

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I just completed a crazy whirlwind speaking schedule for Valentine’s Day! 14 speaking gigs in 6 days, 3 radio shows, 2 Spreecasts and a partridge in a pear tree (hehe)!

Do you know that nearly every single interviewer asked me the same question “Stacey, when is it just time to leave? Sometimes is it just not the right relationship?”

I do NOT believe that every marriage is meant to last long term. I don’t. I DO believe that some marriages/relationships come into our lives to teach us something and give us a GIFT.

However, I believe that while not every marriage is meant to last, every RELATIONSHIP can be rescued! Yes, every!

That marriage or committed relationship may not be your forever love, but you can and should heal that relationship with that partner! And if you have kids, sweetie, that relationship isn’t ending until you take your dying breath! You will co-parent with that person for the rest of your life! So what I teach is to rescue/heal the relationship so you can happily co-parent with that partner as you move on to your forever love relationship. You owe it to yourself and definitely your kids to have a happy co-parenting relationship instead of living in bitterness and “pissed-off-ed-ness” (just made that up) for the rest of your life.

What does this have to do with the question “WHEN is it just time to leave?”….a lot!

People actually come to me all the time and ask me that question, “when is it just time for me to leave?”

Paul and I have actually developed a Long-Term Alignment Discovery Process. That’s a fancy term for a “are we right for each other or what” test.

Many people come to me and want to do the Alignment Discovery to see if they should just leave already.

By definition, if you are coming to me asking if you can leave, you will NOT get an accurate reading on that discovery test.

Let me explain.

The only way to get an ACCURATE reading on a long term alignment discovery is to come from a place of peace, compassion, and heartfelt understanding for your partner.

WHY? Because if I ask you the questions, and you are NOT in that state of peace, compassion, and heartfelt understanding, then your answers are going to be driven by pain, fear, and upset.

And that’s not going to actually tell me the truth about your long-term alignment, it’s all going to be clouded by the pain, fear, and hurt of today. That’s just human nature.

So, to do an accurate Long-Term Alignment Discovery Session, you need to be in a space of peace, compassion, and heartfelt understanding for your partner.

And, by definition, if you are asking me if it’s just time to LEAVE, I’m about 99% confident that you are not at peace, compassion, and heartfelt understanding for your partner at that moment.

So, what is the answer? Our 8 Step Relationship Transformation System®.

It’s literally designed to empower YOU to get to that place of peace, compassion and heartfelt understanding for your partner, so you can get an accurate reading from a Long-Term Alignment Discovery.

Actually, steps 1 – 5 are designed to do that. When you fully implement steps 1 – 5, you will be in a space to do the discovery.

Also, Steps 1 – 5 are designed to get you to a place where you will know, with clarity and confidence, one of two things, either:

  1. From this space of peace, compassion, and heartfelt understanding I now see that I just didn’t have the tools & strategies to navigate the stress and crisis that challenged our relationship before. Now I am empowered with what I need and our relationship has shifted so much, that I know for sure I am ready to continue to create my unshakable love and unleashed passion with my partner.
  2. From this space of peace, compassion, and heartfelt understanding I know with clarity and confidence that this is not the relationship for me long-term, and I am ready to happily co-parent with my partner as I transition into my forever love relationship!

Whatever the outcome, and no one can predict which it will be (so stop trying to control it), you will be more at peace, more whole and healed than you were before you began the process! And your family will be VERY grateful!

I’ve had many, many, many clients who fully implemented steps 1 – 5 and found themselves in Option #1, ready to dive deeper, take it to the next level, fully commit to their marriage and transform with that partner beyond anyone’s dreams or expectations!

I’ve also had MANY clients who fully implemented steps 1 – 5 and found themselves in Option #2. It wasn’t the outcome they had wanted when they first started. But somewhere along the journey they started to see the Divine Guidance and redirection of the peace, harmony, family, love & passion that was all still their divine destiny, it just didn’t look like what they were trying to FORCE it to look like. And as much as they were PUSHING against this outcome when they started….in time, they shifted SO much, they were so happy, it became so obvious that they were grateful to be moving forward – with a HAPPY family relationship with their partner (for the first time in a long time) and a HAPPY love life, with a new partner.

We can never ever guarantee HOW something is going to look. That’s not for us to know. In life, in business, in health, with our kids, and in love. We can’t control the HOW.

All we can control is who we are and what we do!

So, although people freak out when I say it, I do GUARANTEE my results! I can’t promise you which outcome you are going to discover for yourself, only G-d knows that. But I can guarantee that if you implement and integrate the 8 Step Relationship Transformation System® you will become more of your best and most authentic self, you will experience improvements and healing in your family and you will improve, rescue, or heal the relationship with your partner, whether or not the marriage is meant to last.

So, to answer the question. YES, there is a time to just leave.

But, it’s NOT NOW! You haven’t done the work yet.

And if you JUST leave, with your anger, resentment, frustration, hurt, pain, despair, rejection, sadness, pissed-off-ed-ness, or whatever you feel….you will take YOU with you to the next relationship!

And as my friend Meredith says “wherever you go…there you are!”

Don’t do this for your relationship, don’t do this for your partner, DO THIS FOR YOU!

You are worth it!

Stop living a life you hate!

Stop living in a relationship that’s not what you want!

And if the relationship you currently have is not your dream for your kids, you better start shifting it right now, because you are teaching them what marriage is by how you are living in yours!

It does not take two to tango. You can create this without needing your partner to participate.

It’s not easy.

It takes work.

And it’s hard.

But living every single day in a shit relationship is HARDER!

You are worth it! Do this for yourself!

Sending love,

Stacey

P.S We have many coaching packages, programs and events to help you implement and integrate the 8 Step Relationship Transformation System! Email us at Support@LoveAndPassionCoach.com or Call us at 215-600-1720 Extension ONE to see what solution might be the best solution for you!

{ 4 Brilliant Comments from Dedicated Reader }

Not having much hot sex lately, huh?

February 5, 2015

I hear it’s going around! Really good people, with good intentions, are hanging out together in a NICE relationship….great parents, good roommates even….but the hot steamy ravishing and satisfying sex is not happening anymore. Maybe you tell yourself “I don’t need that,” “that’s not really important,” or “I can live without it”….and you stay in…

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Are you the “salad” or the “garbage”?

January 29, 2015

People come to me to help them with their relationships in all kinds of situations. Some of the most common are… Passion-less: In a caring or loving relationship, but the passion has fizzled or disappeared Loving & Passionate, and wanna take it to the next level Hanging by a Thread: where one or both partners…

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I was paralyzed with fear…

January 22, 2015

I was paralyzed with fear…. About 4 seconds after I heard the sound I was out of bed, and standing at the top of the stairs. It was the middle of the night. Paul was away. I was in the house with both kids sleeping in their beds. I heard a sound….like a door slamming.…

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January 15, 2015

What do you need to have a breakthrough? What does it take to break through whatever your current limitations are and reach the next level you truly desire? You MUST be willing to leave your current comfort zone for your next level…that’s for sure! To do that will require you to stretch and grow! Sometimes…

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How much uncertainty can you comfortably live with??

January 8, 2015

“The QUALITY of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of UNCERTAINTY you can comfortably live with” – Tony Robbins Yes, that is painted onto our office wall…along with many other quotes that are more than just quotes to us…we live by these words! WHY? Many years ago, at a Date with Destiny…

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Are you ready for that holiday family drama? This will help!

December 18, 2014

As we approach the holiday season and all the family and friends around us, it can sometimes be a stressful time….with people that drive us a little wack-a-doodle. Instead of letting that “crazy aunt betty” ruin your holiday cheer, empower yourself with the tool that we created to enable you to breeze through any situation…

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Transforming Your Relationship: Brick or Glass™?

December 11, 2014

Stacey’s Relationship Column from the current issue of Aspire Magazine… When Linda told me that this issue of Aspire was about creating a life you love…my head nearly popped off my body! Oh, the things we could talk about! Where to begin! Creating a life you love is the foundation for everything!  I passionately believe…

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I used to HATE Black Friday shopping!

December 4, 2014

I found the entire idea revolting! I loved holiday shopping…but was hugely anti-Black Friday. I can remember countless conversations (if you wanna call sitting and bitching and moaning with people conversation) complaining about the whole Black Friday crowds and crazy hours. I was happy to pay full price and remove myself from all that. Then…

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