You MUST get out of the toilet!

September 11, 2014

Your ability to have Mastery of your state, regardless of your environment and surroundings is one of the greatest assets you can have in life.

It’s what we all depend on from “emergency response” professionals. But in our own lives, WE are all the emergency response people!

At our recent Relationship Breakthrough Retreat live event, I had the pleasure of teaching one of our favorite relationship tools for mastering your state!

The State-O-Meter™!

Imagine one of those big “thermometers” that measures donations as they come in on a telethon. As the donations rise, so does the level on the thermometer.

Think of this as your State-O-Meter.

medical_red_thermometer_1At the very bottom is your LOW state, in the middle is your MIDDLE state and at the very top of the meter is your HIGH state. (simple!)

Here’s the thing.

When your partner drops BELOW the 50% line, into a low state, the KEY is that YOU must maintain your medium to high state and NOT drop down with them!

If you both drop down into a low state, you are BOTH hijacked and “in the toilet”! What good is going to come of that?! If you get triggered down into a low state, who’s going to pull you both out? Who’s going to be the hero? Who will be your emergency response professional? No one, because you are both in the toilet!

That’s why it’s SO critical to cultivate your state mastery.

Here’s the real key to this…….many of our clients are SHOCKED when I tell them this….

We teach hundreds of relationship tools & strategies in our step-by-step Relationship Transformation System®, and when you are BOTH in a low state….you can’t access ANY of them! You can’t put your partner first, you can’t love at level three, you can’t use what you understand about the differences between masculine and feminine, etc.

And you shouldn’t try!

When you have dropped below the 50% line in your state, you only have to do ONE THING…..

Get back into state! Get over the 50% line! That’s it!

Stop efforting at all that other stuff and JUST raise your state!

Only when you are over the 50% line, can you utilize all the tools & strategies that really work to transform your relationship!

If you do nothing else to improve your relationship, cultivate your state mastery!

If you want more tools for this, download our free audio program or reach out to us about our programs and events! No matter how you do it, you must cultivate your state mastery. It will impact every area of your life.

Sending love,


p.s. Since today is the anniversary of 9-11, I want to share with you one of the greatest examples of state mastery I have ever witnessed.

After being with Tony Robbins for 19 years, I can tell you with absolute certainty that your level of State Mastery is directly tied to the quality of your life!

On September 11, 2001, Tony Robbins was in Hawaii with 2,000 people gathered at a multi-day leadership event with him. When the events of 9-11 started here on the East Coast, it was the middle of the night for Tony and the thousands of people with him.

I’ve watched HOURS of video footage from that day with Tony. It impacted me in many ways and I’m grateful for all of them.

In this shortened video footage from that day, watch as Tony brings people together in a way that no one ever expected.

“Out of great tragedy, some good must come.” – Tony Robbins


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Your greatest power is your femininity. Ironically, it somehow our femininity got lost along our journey to empowerment.

The experience that we have of a woman who is truly in her feminine is called “feminine radiance”.  When a man experiences a woman’s feminine radiance, he is captivated and magnetized to her, like a moth to a flame.

Unlike what most women think, true femininity is not weakness.

Femininity comes from a willingness to be vulnerable.  And anyone who is vulnerably open will tell you that it takes a hell of a lot more strength to BE open (feminine) then it does to protect yourself and close up (masculine).

Unfortunately, in today’s society it is quite rare to experience a woman who is authentically open in her feminine radiance.

Out of our need to adapt, provide for ourselves and our families, decades ago women started entering the workforce. And I don’t know about you, but when I entered corporate America, I very quickly got the message….

“Leave your emotions at home”

“Leave your family (problems) at home”

“This is a place of business, it’s not emotional”

“You need to stay sharp, be strong, and focus”

“Get it done, show results, produce, produce, produce”

All masculine directives; no room for feminine there. So, what did we do? Women excel at adapting for our survival. We got really good at wearing our masculine mask and using our masculine tools….at work.

Perhaps like many women, each time you experience disappointment, heart ache, sadness, loneliness, frustration…you reach for your masculine mask and masculine tools to feel “less hurt”.  And your masculine mask and tools that you get so rewarded for at work start to seep into your “personal” life.

That was the experience that I had, back when I was knows as the Ice Princess! Luckily for me, life had a plan for me. I had an experience that broke me out of my masculine mask and allowed me to open to my feminine radiance for a moment, enough to get a taste of it. It took me about a YEAR to find my feminine energy and figure out how to cultivate it and find the power in it.

As I did, I began to see that I was not the only woman who was stuck in her masculine and disconnected from her feminine. In fact, I feel that it is an epidemic in today’s society. Finding feminine role models is very rare, and we are not teaching our girls to be feminine.

As women, we have evolved to provide for ourselves, empower ourselves, lead ourselves and be do and have anything a man can be, do or have. And that’s all fantastic…except when it runs amuck.

Empowered is great, freedom is a must….but independence in spite of men, refusing to allow anyone else to provide for you out of fear that it will be taken away, providing for yourself to the point that there is no room for him to provide for you (when providing is like oxygen for him)….that’s when our masculine abilities have run amuck and are hurting us more than helping us.

So, what is femininity and how do you access yours?

I’ve studied this for years now. I spent more than a year trying to FIND my feminine energy and have dedicated myself for years to cultivating it and teaching others.  Here is what I have found to be true.

Femininity is OPENNESS.

That’s all it is. Your femininity is your level of openness. It’s not about your “sexuality”, your “prettiness”, your “hair” or your “makeup”. It’s entirely about your energy.

If you want to understand your femininity level, just ask yourself one question…”How open are you?”

Where is your center of gravity on a daily basis? On a zero to ten scale, how open are you? That’s your level of feminine energy. And it’s not cemented in stone; it can change in an instant.

Feminine energy is your openness. And your FLAVOR of femininity is when your openness meets your authenticity.

Your authentic femininity has a flavor unique to YOU. You can’t model my flavor of feminine energy or anyone else’s. By definition, in order for you to open to your feminine radiance, it has to be authentic for YOU. It must be YOURS.

That’s why I say it has nothing to do with your hair, your clothes or your makeup. Femininity is not a tight skirt or a color of lipstick. Femininity is your openness, expressed through your authentic self!

In fact, you cannot be your most authentic self as a woman, unless you are living in your feminine. Being anything other than OPEN in your feminine radiance is not authentic.

And that is what a man feels in a woman…her openness!

Women don’t give men enough credit. A man who is rooted in his mature masculine energy can feel a woman’s openness a mile away. As my husband Paul says, he can see a woman across a parking lot in a down coat and a hat and know immediately if she is in her feminine or her masculine…he can feel it.

Men have a radar for a woman’s openness.  He may not have the vocabulary to call it that, but he can feel if she is open or closed. Some men refer to it as being able to feel if she can be “made happy” or not. If she is OPEN to him, he can feel it. If she is closed to him by withdrawing, punishing, closed or unable to be made happy, he can feel that too.

When a mature masculine man is in the presence of a woman in her feminine radiance, he is called forward to serve her. He can’t help it. It’s how he is wired.

If this has not been your experience of men, then I ask you, how open are you in that moment (zero to ten)?

When a women is completely open to a man, able to be made happy, and willing to be vulnerable, with positive intention for men in her heart, men are called forth to serve her. That is her greatest power. Her vulnerability.

But in the beginning it takes courage to be vulnerable and open, that’s why it’s so rare.

Women have tremendous power, but it’s not in their masculine energy…. it’s when they truly embrace their feminine energy.

I experience this daily. Of course, from Paul, my husband, who clears a path for me daily and charges through life to make all my dreams, wants and desires come true.

But it goes beyond Paul.

From my 10 year old son, to the guy on the train who offers to put my bag in the overhead for me, to the men that I collaborate with in business, I am fully in my feminine radiance in their presence, I allow them to serve me and I appreciate and cherish them for it because I know my appreciation is their oxygen and it brings out their best and most authentic selves.

I have experiences with men all the time where I truly appreciate a man for his service for me, whatever the situation. I get to see the LIGHT in a man’s face as he takes in my appreciation. I can FEEL in that moment that in his life, he is starving for a woman to appreciate his service.  Many men are surrounded by women who are withholding, punishing and closing off from them. For these men, experiencing a woman’s appreciation and openness, is like finding water in the dessert.

I don’t smile at men and appreciate them to “get what I want”. I do it because it is magnificent to experience a man in his masculine, doing the right thing out of integrity, honor and service.

I smile and appreciate him out of enjoyment. It just so happens that the result is typically that men can’t do enough for me. In life and in business.

Men are called to serve a woman in her feminine. And I have experienced that to be true every day of my life, since I stepped into my feminine radiance and opened.

Femininity IS your greatest power.

Embrace it!


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