InfluenceWhile coaching one of my private clients recently, I had one of those “I’VE BEEN TOTALLY WRONG ABOUT THIS!” moments!

I love those!

The coaching call started off perfectly normal. He came to the call, I asked him what his biggest challenge was that he wanted to break-through in today’s session and he told me.  Off we go!

My client had a challenging interaction coming up that he wanted to prepare for with me so he could achieve the best possible outcome for all involved. Great! Piece of cake!

As I always do when I’m about to teach someone the master skills of “Influence” I spouted off my typical warning…

“I completely believe in what you are doing and that it’s for the greatest good of all, so I will teach you part of the art and the science of influencing others because I trust you to always use this skill for good and not to manipulate others.”

I was always very careful not to teach “influence” on a broad scale because I was concerned that the skills I teach would be used to manipulate others for someone’s own ego-serving desires and not for the greatest good of all.  It’s a powerful skill to have and I didn’t want to teach someone who would then go out and about influencing others with less than positive motive.

In explaining one of the pillars of influence to my client, I created a new distinction that totally changed everything! I love when that happens.

The pillar (and this is only ONE of the pillars of influence) that I was explaining was that when two people engage, and there is rapport, the person with the most confidence and the most congruency will ALWAYS influence the other person.

As I explained that “congruency” means that your words, your actions, your movement, your energy and your intentions are all in alignment…I had my aha moment!

In order for you to influence ANYONE you must be congruent.  Therefore, someone who does NOT have positive intentions for the greatest good of all, will LACK congruency when they engage with another person! Meaning, their energy and intention will not be in alignment with their words.

Thus, someone trying to manipulate or exert less than positive intent would not be able to successfully influence someone else even if they learned the SKILLS of influence!

So I really can teach “influence” to a larger audience without “screening” who will USE it for good vs evil….because it can’t effectively be used for “evil” since the execution would lack congruency and the influence would not be effective!

Whooo Hoooooo!!!! So awesome!!!!

So today I want to share with you TWO of the master skills of influence that I shared with my client! I would love to share more with you, but in the brief time we have together, I can only squeeze in two!

Key to Influence #1: Intention is essential!

Influence is not a bad word!!!

For me, influence is always used for the highest good, to influence others to come from their highest self and act from love and not fear.

When your intention is to influence someone to be MORE of who they really are, to step into life, be more authentic, come from service and act from love instead of fear, then influence is a divine tool!

I do not influence others to get to my greatest good, that’s manipulation (the negative flavor of manipulation).

If you do that kind of crap, you should know that it rarely works anymore anyway.

When you enter a situation with the intention of influencing the other person for your own gain, they immediately feel that.  Then they get defensive and protective, they focus their energy on their own gain and now no one wins because neither of you want to “give it up” to the other person.  You already KNOW that.

You’ve probably been on the receiving end of this kind of interaction and needed to protect or remove yourself from engaging with someone so they wouldn’t “take advantage” of you.  How much influence did they have with you? None, right? You can see them coming a mile away.

That’s why the ONLY way to effectively influence anyone is to come from the energy of service!

To walk into every situation looking to discover the win-win-win for everyone’s greatest good.   Win for you, win for them and win for the greater good (the universe).

When you enter the situation with THAT as your outcome, your influence-ability just skyrocketed!

Mind you, there are still several more pillars to effective influence, so you’re not a master influencer just yet. But this is where it begins.

So the next time you are approaching a situation where your intention is to INFLUENCE the other person, be sure to check in with yourself!

Is your intention to influence them to agree to what YOU want? That’s ok, no judgment and don’t beat yourself up. But just be conscious of the fact that your ability to INFLUENCE the other person is really slim when that is your intention, because they will FEEL that…just like you feel it when someone comes at you intending to influence you to what they want.

If your intention is NOT to discover the win-win-win then you are not ready yet!  Your outcome must be for the win-win-win! If you are stuck here, key #2 will help!!

KEY to Influence #2: You Must Release “THE HOW”!

You cannot be set in HOW you get to your outcome if you are seeking to influence others to the greatest good.

If you are attached to the HOW, then you’re not going to influence the other person, you’re just engaging in a conversation about whether or not they will come over to your side. And they “may” or they “may not” depending on whether or not it meets their needs.

When your intention is to discover the win-win-win, the key is to be OPEN to the perspective and insights from the other person or people you engage with.  Your intention is to stay focused on the outcome that is for the greatest good for all. HOW you get there is very flexible! There are always at least three ways to do anything!

In intimate relationships, people are often trying to influence their partner to get what they want. If it’s not working for you (and it rarely does), perhaps these KEYS will give you some insight into why your approach is not working, and what you need to do in order to effectively influence your partner!

So here’s the thing…INFLUENCE is NOT a bad word!

Somewhere along the way “Influence” became a bad word and folks started believing that influence was something you did TO people for your own gain.

When you effectively influence others, you do it FOR them, to help them get out of their own way, release from fear, and move forward toward their greatest good and the greatest good for all!

I trust that you will begin your path towards influencing others and use it only FOR GOOD! Because the truth is, when your intention is less than positive, you won’t influence anyone anyway!!!

Sending love,

Stacey

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How often do you say YES!

April 10, 2014

yesThis week was life changing for Paul and I…and the ripple effect from this week gives me chills when I imagine it!

What happened?

On Tuesday, Paul and I went up to Connecticut to strategize and plan with our friends and mentors Fabienne and Derek Fredrickson. It wasn’t the first time we’ve been there.

So, why was this day different than all other days?

A few days after Valentine’s Day, Paul and I began to lay out our plan for the rest of 2014 and how we were going to serve in an even bigger way, help even more people than ever, give even more than we have already, stretch ourselves, live our purpose and have a total blast doing it!

As part of our plan for 2014, Paul and I are creating something that is a HUGE dream of ours to create and it’s something we’ve never created before! For now, let’s just call it “The Big Thing.”

I remember the moment vividly. As I asked myself the question, “how are we going to create this Big Thing in the way that creates the greatest good for the most people?” I immediately got the download “Maybe you should strategize this with Fabienne and Derek.”  And of course, I shook that off, and continued ahead.

The next time we started working on the plans for the Big Thing, the download came again, like a quick thought or knowing or voice…. “Work with Derek and Fabienne on this, they’ve done this Big Thing already. In fact, it was their idea for YOU to do the Big Thing.”

So I asked Paul…“Hmmmm, babe, I keep getting the “download” like maybe we should talk to Fabienne and Derek about working with them to create the strategy and planning for the Big Thing?”

Here’s the thing, I’m a MODELER! Yeah, I’m just gonna totally make up that word – it works, so I’m stickin’ with it!

After nearly two decades of training with Tony Robbins I have learned the science of MODELING. No, not posing for pictures!  Modeling – Decide your outcome, find someone who has already successfully achieved your outcome and is happily teaching others how to achieve that outcome with repeatable success and model what they are doing so you get the same outcome!

BIG FAN!

When I teach this to my private clients, I use the Mountain metaphor. There’s always going to be someone who’s further up your mountain than you are. They may not be at the TOP of that mountain yet, but they’ve already successfully navigated the part you are trying to climb right now! So let them throw down a rope to you and PULL you right up!

I’m a love and passion expert! But if no one knows about me, how can I serve people and live my purpose? I’m not a “client attraction” expert. Fabienne and Derek are further up our mountain. That’s why we work with the Fredricksons.  Because they throw the rope down and pull us up!

Sounds so easy right!  If it was that easy, everyone would be at the top of their mountain darling!

What’s required in order to get that rope and hoist yourself to your next level??

THE YES! It all comes back to the YES!

The “YES POINT” is where you either elevate yourself up to the next level on your mountain or… NOT!

So, we talked to Fabienne and Derek and, as always, they are so gracious and incredibly supportive and wildly passionate about us getting our message out there to serve as many people as we can possibly reach! And so they offered us… the ROPE to pull us up the mountain!

Here’s a secret for you….Your ROPE will always come to you in the form of an OPPORTUNITY! In this case, a private VIP day with Fabienne and Derek at their home, just the four of us to strategize and plan our Big Thing!

So Paul and I are there, looking at the “rope” that Fabienne and Derek tossed down to us. It’s a solid rope. I have no doubt about the rope. I know that Fabienne and Derek used this rope to get to where they are on the mountain. I watched them do it and I know “the rope” works!

BUT…..I’ve never climbed that part of the mountain. I’ve never used “that rope.” What if I say YES, and it turns out that “the rope” only works for other people and NOT ME? What if I miss my chance to do something else? Hey, maybe there’s an elevator on this mountain, did anyone check, you don’t know, it could be? There’s a lot of “unknowns” about taking that rope.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

FAITH is saying YES to the opportunity when you have no certainty of the outcome!

We KNOW this mountain. We KNOW they are MUCH farther up the mountain. We watched them go successfully. We’ve watched them take other people successfully up this mountain. We are going up the freakin’ mountain! These are our guides. We are takin’ that rope!

We said YES!

When you take decisive action and SAY YES to the right opportunity in FAITH several things happen:

  1. Magic happens! It’s like the universe gets the message “Oh, they’re serious about this!” and starts to line up the resources and next steps that you need to achieve your outcome. You don’t have to believe me…try it for yourself!
  2. You instantly realize that the only REAL uncertainty would have been the RISK in trying to figure out how to scale that mountain on your own WITHOUT a rope and not succeeding or worse, taking a big fall! (that’s a HUGE one…read that again!)
  3. Expert Guidance combined with Massive Action combined with Big Intention and the Helping Hands of the universe make you UNSTOPPABLE!

It all comes back to the YES!

It is VERY easy to look at that opportunity, look at that ROPE, feel the uncertainty of the outcome, know that you have never navigated that part of your mountain before and say NO! Nu-uh. Not now. I can’t. I don’t have the time. I can’t afford that rope. Who am I to take that rope, someone else will be better for this rope. What if I take the rope and I leave everyone behind on the mountain, they won’t like me anymore. No, I’m going to climb this myself and figure it out, the rope isn’t for me. I don’t even need to climb that high on this mountain anyway, I’m fine right here, that’s too high for me anyway.

Any of this sounding familiar to you?

Take a look DOWN your mountain. Do you remember some of the leaps and ropes that got you to where you are now? Did some of those work out for you?

“It’s in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped” – Anthony Robbins

That’s why it all comes back to the YES!

No is SO easy. But you already know where that gets you.

So, I ask you…How often do you SAY YES?!?!

Look at anyone you know who is creating a magnificent life for themselves and look at when they say YES! You will see!

It may “look” easy to you because you just SEE them grab that rope and shoot up the mountain. You don’t get to see the struggle, the fear, the faith and the YES MOMENT! But it happened.

What is it that you want? What’s up your mountain? Look UP! Who is farther up your mountain? Have they already successfully navigated to where you want to go next? Are they successfully teaching others to do the same in a way that is repeatable with outstanding results? Are they offering you the ROPE to pull you up??

SAY YES!

Post a comment below with your YES moment! I can’t wait to hear about it!

Sending love,

Stacey

p.s. I absolutely LOVE Bishop TD Jakes! I’m a huge fan and he is a big mentor for me. This video is absolutely essential. Please watch!

 

 

{ 4 Brilliant Comments from Dedicated Reader }

Transforming Your Relationship: Love Is NOT All There Is!

April 3, 2014

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March 19, 2014

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March 12, 2014

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What is that mistake that you just can’t get past?

March 5, 2014

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Were you disappointed on Valentine’s Day? Maybe you should hear Paul’s story!

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Do you want your partner to give you more support?

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Stacey Martino speaks at Client Attraction Mindset Event It was an honor to speak at the Client Attraction Mindset Event last year about how to get your partner to support you in your business! I caused quite a stir that day…many entrepreneurs shared with me that my words shifted them permanently and their relationships have […]

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Are you celebrating your love on Monday, February 17th??

February 13, 2014

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow!!!! YIIIPPPPEEEEE!!! And Monday is February 17th…YIIPPPEEEEEE!!! Huh? I’ll explain. How loved and cherished will you feel on Monday? How much passion will you create in your intimate relationship on Monday? How are you showing your partner that they are your number one on Monday? Valentine’s Day is LOVEly! Don’t get me […]

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