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Fun, playfulness, romance and flirting….it’s one of the first things to fly out the window when we have the house, the kids, the work and all the other stuff we have to manage!

And before we know it, we are stuck in Over-Responsibility Land…where we are all uptight, pissed, frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed and basically Bitch-O-Rama a good portion of every stinkin’ day.

And G-d help the man who tries to help and doesn’t do it “right” or worse…the man who doesn’t try to help at all! Now we direct that Bitch-O-Rama at him! Criticism, rolling the eyes, little (or not so little) digs about how he does nothing, until we finally blow… ranting or crying about how it’s just too much and we are miserable.

Sound familiar?

How did this happen?

It’s actually not your fault…it happened organically! But the good news is, you can turn it around!

It was a sneaky, little underground attack in your Blueprint that caused this!

Your blueprint or your software is made up of your beliefs, values, and the meanings you give things. It’s what your brain and nervous system use to “run your show” everyday…the software of you!

What does this Blueprint have to do with not having any fun?

Explain you ask….oh, it would be my pleasure! Prepare to have your mind blown. ;)

It starts so innocently.

“Other people do shit wrong and I do it right.”

“That’s not the way I would have done it”

“That’s not quite what I wanted”

“I was dreaming about how this would be and that ain’t it”

Any of that sound familiar?

When we find ourselves in a committed long term relationship where we are “hinged” to the other person, eventually we start evaluating everything that person thinks/feels/says/does based on what we would think/feel/say/do.

Yes you do.

You measure the way they do it against how you would do it for yourself in order to decide if you are HAPPY or UNHAPPY with what they think/feel/say/do.

If their actions/words match or exceed your expectations, you are HAPPY.

If they fall short, you are UNHAPPY.

Make sense now?

Sure, it makes sense, but there’s a HUGE pitfall here honey.

You are destined for UNHAPPY in this math.

HOW?

The partner that you have is, by definition, a separate human being from you. That means that, by definition, they have their own blueprint, their own software…and it’s not yours! And if your partner is someone of the opposite gender, oh my, they are practically a different species than you!

So they will actually NEVER think/feel/say/do the same as you…so UNHAPPY is going to come up for you a freakin’ lot! (that’s the technical term for it…I checked)

So over time, this “Consistent Unhappiness” builds.

And eventually it turns into resentment, frustration, bitterness, anger and even despair!

So, where did the Fun, Playful and Flirty you go?

She’s suited up under that armor designed to protect her from all this disappointment, pain and bullshit! She’s doing it all herself, pissed about it, wanting him to swoop in and provide and serve for her, but she’s probably mourning the death of that dream as she turns her attention to the kids, her work, her folks, her friends and whatever gives her momentary pleasure or escape.

Maybe that’s not you…or maybe some of it is.

What happened?

No one told you….so you never Made The Shift.

What am I talking about?

I know you are going to logically understand what I am about to say, but I want you to truly take a look at your trajectory and ask yourself where you see this dynamic happening….

Did you, or did you not, Make The Shift?

When two people commit to be together, live a life together, maybe get married, maybe have kids…when they COMMIT, there needs to be a SHIFT.

Commitment means ALL IN.

I know you know that. But honey, all in means ALL FUCKING IN. Not “all in if you please me,” not “all in if you load the dishwasher so that more than 3 bowls and a spoon fit in,” not “all in as long as you don’t break this rule that I have” and not “all in except when I’m so frustrated with you that I put up walls.”

All In Means All-Fucking-In!….no rules, no limits….it means all in!

When you go All In with another person, you have to Make The Shift:

  • Your partner becomes your number one priority over everything and everyone else in life
  • You make decisions based on what is best for you two together and not for just YOU
  • Your partner’s happiness is as important to you as your own
  • You understand and accept that they are completely different from you
  • You know it is YOUR JOB to understand how they are wired
  • It’s your responsibility to love them unconditionally for who they are not who you want them to be
  • From now on things are not going to go your way and be done the way you want them to….you will allow for things to be done the way your partner needs them to be, too
  • You will cherish their flaws
  • You will allow them to serve you and love you
  • When they do shit wrong you will love them for who they are and not what they do…and then you will realize that you are being too controlling and need to grow here and thank them for being the catalyst for your growth! BAM!
  • You rearrange your life for them (and they will with you)
  • You will STOP LIVING LIKE TWO SINGLE PEOPLE who live in the same house and are trying to have kids while still leading single individual lives
  • You will no longer think and say things like “I have to be me”…you are two now, it’s not about you
  • You will stop making everything about you, how you want it, what you expected, and what you planned….all that shit is over
  • You picked them, you committed to them…..

Can you “check the box” next to each of those items? Did you do all that?

If not, then you never Made The Shift! It’s not your fault! Did anyone give you that checklist before you committed? Anyone tell you this is what it takes? Did you and your partner sit down with this list and agree to these terms?

NO?

Don’t worry, nobody did. Some of us learned the hard way along the journey. But no one handed us this list either!

That is what it takes to Make The Shift….That is Commitment!

What does that have to do with the lack of fun and playfulness?

You never shifted gears. You never actually went ALL IN!

You have now experienced years or maybe decades of upset, disappointment, pain, frustration or hurt, from the lousy “measuring math” in your blueprint.

No wonder you lost the fun, playfulness and flirting and got stuck in being Bitch-O-Rama in your over-responsibility feeling that no one else is doing anything but you.

The truth is, when he tries to DO stuff and you criticize, correct or don’t accept it the way he delivers it, you are rejecting him and teaching him NOT to help you.

And if he’s NOT doing anything to help you, there’s a good reason for that too. It’s the masculine and feminine mis-understanding each other.

Men don’t help unless they are asked, because it would be a sign of disrespect to offer help to another man who didn’t ask for help (it implies he doesn’t have his shit together and can’t be trusted to get his shit done). So unless he’s looking to get hit, a man wouldn’t offer unsolicited help to another man.

A man’s blueprint says to only offer help when someone ASKS you for help directly.

And women have been “trained” not to ask for help unless the refrigerator fell on us, so you can see the dilemma.

By the way ladies….men don’t offer unsolicited help. And YOU do, all the fucking time. And every time you do, he takes it as your lack of confidence in him as a man. (maybe stop it)

It’s messy I know. But it’s not impossible to fix.

The great news is that you didn’t “pick wrong,” it’s not just YOUR man, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Without understanding and appreciating what’s going on, and without the tools to turn this around, this is what organically happens as committed relationships progress.

What to do now?

Happiness is a choice!

Playfulness is a choice!

Every time your partner interacts with you, you have a choice in how you respond.

All our bitching, nagging and dissatisfaction to “punish” them, send the message or correct them doesn’t work anyway.

The years and decades of being pissed or sad haven’t fixed this and they are not going to. So you may as well stop it and try something else.

Try DOING happy! Try DOING playful! Try it just for 10 minutes and then go back to your Bitch-O-Rama or whatever it is for you. I’m not trying to take that away from you.

It’s 100% your choice how you react to your partner.

Yeah, you may be stuck in a pattern. But you created it and when you DECIDE, you can create something different!

Sending love,

Stacey

p.s. If you are stuck here, we can help! Come to the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat™, 3 day live immersion event experience with me and Paul this summer in Princeton, New Jersey! Get unstuck and find your playful, fun, flirty self again! You will be amazed at how life changes for you! http://RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com

 

{ 4 Brilliant Comments from Dedicated Reader }

fear or inner wisdom

I’ve had flashes of inner wisdom during intense moments of my life. Inner guidance that came through like a lightning bolt during minutes of intense fear or risk. I always felt “lucky” at those times, like God was with me. It only happened on a few occasions in my entire life, so I just felt blessed that in “life or death” moments, Grace came in.

Then about two years ago, my spiritual journey took a catapult. I started to learn about the Law of Attraction and the tool that helped this all click for me…the Emotional Guidance System, from Abraham Hicks. My life started to change…dramatically.

My husband Paul, my greatest spiritual teacher, showed me how Source was always present and guiding me to the next right step for me, and, as Abraham teaches, my Emotional Guidance System was the navigation system for me to discern the Inner Wisdom that was available to me at every moment of my day.

The Emotional Guidance System by Abraham Hicks teaches a scale of 22 Emotions, ranging from positive emotions, such as Gratitude, Appreciation, Passion, Joy, Love and Optimism to negative emotions such as boredom, pessimism, resentment, anger and despair.

The positive emotions are gathered on the left side of the Emotional Guidance System chart. And the negative emotions are gathered on the right side of the Emotional Guidance System chart.

emotionalguidancescale

I started checking IN with myself more and testing this tool. I began asking myself, “How do I feel right now?” and really honing in my emotional acuity for myself.

Here is the distinction that I discovered that changed my life forever…

When I check in and see how I’m feeling, and my emotion is on the right side (negative) of the Emotional Guidance System chart, then whatever ideas, thoughts or inclinations I have to act, are NOT coming from Source. Those thoughts and ideas are not my Inner Wisdom, instead they are coming from my brain and are driven by my own fear and ego (to protect me from some pain). I have learned not to listen to my own “self-talk” when I am on the right side of the Emotional Guidance System. That is NOT Inner Wisdom; on the contrary, it is scared, fear-based, self-talk.

When I check in with myself and I’m feeling one of the emotions on the left side of the Emotional Guidance System chart, then I have faith that my ideas, thoughts, inclinations and beliefs are guided by Source. Said differently, I’m receiving Inner Wisdom. In those moments, I have faith in my thoughts, beliefs and downloads and act accordingly….in spite of any fear!

With practice, using this as my MAP, over and over again, I started to find “certainty” in listening to my Inner Wisdom.

Today, this is how I walk through life: listening to my Inner Wisdom and understanding the difference between Inner Wisdom and fear based self-talk.

Many people focus on wanting “certainty,” certainty to know what is the best thing for them to do, what the future will hold, which way to choose. It’s human nature. Except that we can’t control anyone other than ourselves and we can’t predict the future.

But you don’t need to GUESS at what to do next or fear what’s coming your way either!

By following my strategic approach to Inner Wisdom, I have released my need to find certainty through “control” and found my way of being “certain” within. I know that I am guided at every moment, and I choose my next step based on the guidance I receive.  As for the future, I also have faith that I will be guided again by my Inner Wisdom when I get there.

One of my favorite quotes of all time, (it’s painted on my wall next to me) is by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr…

“Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”

It is FAITH. And by using my Emotional Guidance System, I have learned my strategic approach to figuring out what the FIRST STEP on the staircase should be for me every time!

Source put my staircase there. And my Emotional Guidance System tells me when my next step is ON or OFF of MY staircase!

When you think about your relationship or how you feel about your partner, you must also use your Emotional Guidance System. When you are feeling negative (emotions on the right side of the chart) the thoughts, inclinations and self-talk you hear in your head is NOT your Inner Wisdom.

When you are feeling grateful, appreciative, hopeful, optimistic or any of the feelings on the left side of the Emotional Guidance System chart, your thoughts, inclinations and next steps are guided by your Inner Wisdom!

That’s why I ALWAYS coach clients to get onto the left side of emotions and then… THEN make your decisions. And then take action. And then work on your relationship and then engage with your partner!

Don’t engage with your partner, blame them or try to “fix” your relationship when you are firmly planted on the right side of the Emotional Guidance System chart! No good can come from that. That’s why couple’s work doesn’t work! Because when TWO people get together and they are BOTH on the right side of the emotional chart, it’s only going to make the relationship worse.

Blaming your partner, or thinking you will just leave and find a different relationship that will be better, is not the answer. You must do the work. A great first step is to listen to our audio program, How to Transform Your Relationship in Eight Steps. It will help you get onto the left side of the Emotional Guidance System chart and empower you with the tools to keep yourself (and your partner) there more often!

No one can tell you long term what the answer will be. There is no crystal ball and no one can predict the future. However, moment to moment you can access your Inner Wisdom and be guided to the best outcome for you and your family.

All the guidance, answers, certainty you want in life, is flowing to you. Ironically, if you want to access it, you need to release your current patterns of control and strategically cultivate your ability to access and utilize your Inner Wisdom.

{ 4 Brilliant Comments from Dedicated Reader }

Holy S%&T…Now What?!

March 26, 2015

It’s February 4th at 12:58 pm. For days, I’ve been doing back to back live calls for audiences around the world teaching how to Reignite Your Passion! I go live again in just two minutes! My dear friend and coach Jon Vroman of Front Row Global is live on the line, with tons of his…

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50 Shades of Submission!

March 12, 2015

Last week I wrote my commentary about 50 Shades of Grey, abuse and erotica. Today I’m focusing on two of the most common challenges that people are struggling with in their own relationships, masculine/feminine energy and surrender vs submission! The movie 50 Shades of Grey gives us many great examples of masculine and feminine energy,…

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50 Shades of…whaaaaattt?!?!

March 5, 2015

We went to see 50 Shades of Grey. I really wish this movie was about sex….but it’s not. Bummer! There are many commentaries out describing 50 Shades as a movie about abuse…but it’s not (at least not the kind of abuse everyone is referring to). First let’s get it straight about abuse. This movie IS…

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The ZERO Compromise Solution to Relationship Challenges!

February 26, 2015

The way to transform your relationship is NOT to become something that you are not in order to try to make your relationship “successful”! The process of Relationship Transformation is actually the process of removing all the bandages, contortions, and “being something we are not” to try to be what we think other people want…

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When is it just time to leave?

February 19, 2015

I just completed a crazy whirlwind speaking schedule for Valentine’s Day! 14 speaking gigs in 6 days, 3 radio shows, 2 Spreecasts and a partridge in a pear tree (hehe)! Do you know that nearly every single interviewer asked me the same question “Stacey, when is it just time to leave? Sometimes is it just…

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Not having much hot sex lately, huh?

February 5, 2015

I hear it’s going around! Really good people, with good intentions, are hanging out together in a NICE relationship….great parents, good roommates even….but the hot steamy ravishing and satisfying sex is not happening anymore. Maybe you tell yourself “I don’t need that,” “that’s not really important,” or “I can live without it”….and you stay in…

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Are you the “salad” or the “garbage”?

January 29, 2015

People come to me to help them with their relationships in all kinds of situations. Some of the most common are… Passion-less: In a caring or loving relationship, but the passion has fizzled or disappeared Loving & Passionate, and wanna take it to the next level Hanging by a Thread: where one or both partners…

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I was paralyzed with fear…

January 22, 2015

I was paralyzed with fear…. About 4 seconds after I heard the sound I was out of bed, and standing at the top of the stairs. It was the middle of the night. Paul was away. I was in the house with both kids sleeping in their beds. I heard a sound….like a door slamming.…

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