We went to see 50 Shades of Grey. I really wish this movie was about sex….but it’s not. Bummer!

There are many commentaries out describing 50 Shades as a movie about abuse…but it’s not (at least not the kind of abuse everyone is referring to).

First let’s get it straight about abuse. This movie IS very much about abuse, but NOT the kind of abuse everyone is gabbing about

People are going on and on saying this movie is a story about a man abusing a woman.

I completely disagree with that.

I could talk about this for 3 hours, but honestly the word “abuse” is really thrown around these days and people use it to mean whatever the hell they want. Too many people use the word “abuse” to create sensationalism and make trite observations... I don’t do sensationalism, and I definitely don’t do trite. So I’m not going to participate in that garbage talk.

In my professional opinion, there was zero abuse between the adult male and female characters in this film. He hit her. She consented to it and then decided that it was not acceptable. In my professional assessment, that is not “abuse.” It’s not awesome… but it’s not abuse. Everyone has shitty experiences in life, of varying degrees.

The term “Abuse” really lacks parameters these days. Too many people have a definition of abuse that includes “someone not treating you the way you want to be treated.” That’s not abuse.

So while 50 Shades is not at all about abuse between the male and female characters, it is, ironically, very much a story about a man’s journey from the abuse he suffered as a child and his coping with that trauma.

(Spoiler alert…if you haven’t seen the movie and plan to, maybe don’t read this)

In the movie 50 Shades of Grey, we see the story of a boy who was physically abused and traumatized before the age of four, in the presence of his mother.

It’s very understandable that a 4-year-old who seeks safety from a woman who lets him experience pain, would create an association with pain and love at a very young age. At the age of 15 an older, mother-figure female repeated this pattern with him of providing pain and “love/connection,” and combined it with sexual pleasure & release, making it an addiction for this boy.

As most people do, he continued using his coping mechanisms to meet his six human needs through the vehicles that he has been conditioned to through life, and eventually he repeated these patterns to meet his needs, as the one delivering the pain as he got older.

Now about the sex…I wish 50 Shades of Grey was about sex and consentual S&M between lovers. But it’s not at all about that. That is very sad to me, because 50 Shades of Grey is ‘marketed’ as eroticism, when it is NOT.

I believe that people today are so STARVING for main street acceptable erotica that they are flocking to this movie to fulfill their needs for that kind of energy and surge of sexual sensation.

There is plenty of beautiful, healthy eroticism available today! And it has NOTHING to do with abuse, coping, and being trapped in the blue print of a child violently hurt under the age of four.

S&M, erotica and bondage can all be a wonderful and healthy part of a consentual sexual relationship between two adults who want those experiences. It’s not for everyone. Neither is pistachio ice cream…but it’s somebody’s favorite flavor!

And if your flavor of that experience includes being tied up, S&M, erotica or dressing up like Wilma and Fred Flintstone…go for it and have fun! Everything is awesome between two consentual partners taking their passion to new heights.

I wish that was what this movie was about.

But unfortunately, it was about a boy who hasn’t recovered from some pretty serious trauma and is living out the blue print and coping mechanisms that he created at a very young age during some traumatic moments in his life. (Our blueprint is how we have wired ourselves, the software that runs our show.)

Women everywhere flocked to the movies in the hopes of having a nice (wet) surge of pleasure from watching a masculine man take his woman over and over and over again into levels of extreme pleasure….unfortunately, there were some key mistakes made that left women unsatisfied and a bit dry…I’ll discuss those mistakes in next week’s article!

Now, I only saw the movie….I have not read the books (and I’m not going to), so my entire perspective is 100% solely based on the movie 50 Shades of Grey.

As a strategic interventionist, I found the movie very fascinating. (Blueprints, vehicles, pattern interrupts, masculine/feminine energy, six human needs, coping strategies…all kinds of cool stuff going on)

As a passion expert….this was not a movie about sex, so that was a disappointment.

Fortunately, I didn’t stay disappointed long… Paul took me home and…well, you know…he more than made up for the sexually ecstatic experience I was longing for!

Did you see the movie? What was your take away from it? Post a comment below…I can’t wait to hear your perspective! I promise to personally respond to all comments!!

Sending love (and passion!)


{ 23 Brilliant Comments from Dedicated Reader }

35106556_lThe way to transform your relationship is NOT to become something that you are not in order to try to make your relationship “successful”!

The process of Relationship Transformation is actually the process of removing all the bandages, contortions, and “being something we are not” to try to be what we think other people want us to be….and get back to our most authentic self!

When I hear “experts” saying that compromise is a key to successful relationship it infuriates me to no end!

Compromise is for SHIT!

Because compromise is based on you having good behavior to do something you don’t really want to do to please someone else! And NO ONE can have GOOD BEHAVIOR long term! And pleasing in a relationship is CRAP because it’s phony…. and when you try to please someone, nothing is learned so the relationship doesn’t grow!

I can’t have good behavior long term! (Paul Martino will tell you that!)

Good Behavior! Pleasing other people….It doesn’t work…and it doesn’t feel good!

By definition, you cannot build an unshakable love on a foundation of such fragile and phony crap as good behavior and pleasing other people!

It doesn’t work! You can only have good behavior for so long before you get fed up and either go back to doing what you have wired yourself to do….OR keep score and start measuring what you are getting back in exchange for what you are doing to please them. (and keeping score is a relationship transformation killer)

So what does work?

It’s a two part strategy.

Part One: BE YOU

Get back to your most authentic self! Stop trying to be what you think other people want you to be, and be who you really are! Now, that said, don’t be a jerk about it! (hehe) What I mean is, don’t be all “this is who I am and if you don’t like it then F-you!”

Have a higher standard for yourself and be your BEST and most authentic self…with a commitment to continually being an even better version of yourself as you grow!

Part Two: GROW YOU

Empower yourself with the tools & strategies to create a 100%/100% relationship, where you know how to bring out the BEST and most authentic self in your partner! Where you are FULLY committed and give 100% to your partner! Not pleasing…GIVING – there is a HUGE difference between “pleasing” and “giving”! (take a moment and say each one to yourself, you will FEEL the difference)

Giving comes from a great and abundant place within you where you are giving and serving because you want to and it feels good. Pleasing comes from a negative place, where you are doing something you think others want, or you think is “right” but you don’t really want to, and eventually, if you keep “pleasing” it will turn into resentment…and maybe even anger!

When you understand, appreciate and cherish the differences between the masculine and feminine, you don’t have to have “good behavior,” you don’t have to “compromise” and you don’t have to “measure” to make sure you are getting yours.

When people hear me say that “compromise is for S#%T” they will often ask me “how do you NOT compromise in your relationship with Paul?”

My answer is very simple and straightforward….I don’t compromise, because if I’m not 100% in alignment with Paul, it’s my job to seek to understand him more so that I can be 100% aligned, so I can serve him and help make his dreams come true. That’s my job! (and he feels it is his job to do so for me.)

We just keep “doing the work” until we understand at a deep enough level to reach alignment. Of course, it didn’t start out that way… We have developed the skills to do this, and now so do our clients!

It truly is amazing….and unshakable….to live a life with Zero Compromise! I highly recommend it!



{ 9 Brilliant Comments from Dedicated Reader }

When is it just time to leave?

February 19, 2015

I just completed a crazy whirlwind speaking schedule for Valentine’s Day! 14 speaking gigs in 6 days, 3 radio shows, 2 Spreecasts and a partridge in a pear tree (hehe)! Do you know that nearly every single interviewer asked me the same question “Stacey, when is it just time to leave? Sometimes is it just…

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Not having much hot sex lately, huh?

February 5, 2015

I hear it’s going around! Really good people, with good intentions, are hanging out together in a NICE relationship….great parents, good roommates even….but the hot steamy ravishing and satisfying sex is not happening anymore. Maybe you tell yourself “I don’t need that,” “that’s not really important,” or “I can live without it”….and you stay in…

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Are you the “salad” or the “garbage”?

January 29, 2015

People come to me to help them with their relationships in all kinds of situations. Some of the most common are… Passion-less: In a caring or loving relationship, but the passion has fizzled or disappeared Loving & Passionate, and wanna take it to the next level Hanging by a Thread: where one or both partners…

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I was paralyzed with fear…

January 22, 2015

I was paralyzed with fear…. About 4 seconds after I heard the sound I was out of bed, and standing at the top of the stairs. It was the middle of the night. Paul was away. I was in the house with both kids sleeping in their beds. I heard a sound….like a door slamming.…

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WHERE is your breakthrough?

January 15, 2015

What do you need to have a breakthrough? What does it take to break through whatever your current limitations are and reach the next level you truly desire? You MUST be willing to leave your current comfort zone for your next level…that’s for sure! To do that will require you to stretch and grow! Sometimes…

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How much uncertainty can you comfortably live with??

January 8, 2015

“The QUALITY of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of UNCERTAINTY you can comfortably live with” – Tony Robbins Yes, that is painted onto our office wall…along with many other quotes that are more than just quotes to us…we live by these words! WHY? Many years ago, at a Date with Destiny…

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Are you ready for that holiday family drama? This will help!

December 18, 2014

As we approach the holiday season and all the family and friends around us, it can sometimes be a stressful time….with people that drive us a little wack-a-doodle. Instead of letting that “crazy aunt betty” ruin your holiday cheer, empower yourself with the tool that we created to enable you to breeze through any situation…

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Transforming Your Relationship: Brick or Glass™?

December 11, 2014

Stacey’s Relationship Column from the current issue of Aspire Magazine… When Linda told me that this issue of Aspire was about creating a life you love…my head nearly popped off my body! Oh, the things we could talk about! Where to begin! Creating a life you love is the foundation for everything!  I passionately believe…

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